Wake Up, Grow Up and Realize You Are Effecting Others Lives – a thought and message from a proud father and step-father – a wakeup call to dead beat dads and a tip for families!

Written by Paul Duffy

*I am not a writer – grammar will be off, punctuation massacred

*’He’ refers to my step daughters natural father

Being a father is not a job, it is a responsibility and an important one at that. Being a father is not a burden, it is a gift, a goal and a milestone – it should be treated as such. Being married is the same – a gift, a goal, a milestone. A child and that child’s mother should be treated with the delicateness and respect they deserve. They should be protected by their husband and/or their father – financially, emotionally and physically.  Unfortunately, a significant portion of men have traded those definitions and actions for others – a trophy, a tattoo, a rap song and a sob story.

I have two daughters – one is my natural child and the other is my step daughter and I love them both the same. They are each unique – my youngest is 18-months-old and she is funny and too old for her age and my oldest, my step daughter, is 4-years-old and is adorable and quirky – she always goes out of her way to make us laugh. They both have similar traits too – they like to talk nonsense and are high energy but most important they both love their mom and dad very, very much. And for different reasons, mom is the home maker and problem solver and me, dad, I am the financial provider and the sometimes fun but also stern figure. I am the one that sneaks the piece of candy in the morning but mom is the one who cooks the three meals each day. Our family structure is like many others, many of yours who are reading this – it is the “norm.” by most standards and it works for us.

That being said things could have gone very far the other way. When I met my wife, my step-daughter was about a year old (the cutest kid). My wife was working at a deli and taking care of Lily every other extra minute of the day. When my wife was at work grandma and grandpa watched her – dad wasn’t around. Unfortunately, dad wasn’t really around for anything or in any way. Financially, he couldn’t hold a job for more than a month, emotionally, he could only show anger and aggressiveness and physically, well he had laughable rap career and party addiction was more important. This created a difficult dynamic – an explosive one because Mom and her parents did a great job but there was a huge factor missing. All this not mentioning that my step daughter was placed as a pawn in daddy’s game, a tool for when he wanted to look good at family parties and in front of friends. This all made for a terrible and heartbreaking future, one in which many of us including myself have experienced. The perfect recipe for poverty, addiction and hurt paved a road headed straight towards a literal hell on earth for almost everyone involved – everyone except for daddy. Because you see he was the only one that could turn off – turn off from love and responsibility and detach himself in every way.

A year into their bout with infidelity and heartache, a year into their emotional abuse and a year into our daughter’s life I met my future wife. She was and is beautiful and I was and am smitten by her in every way. I was instantly attracted to not just her beauty but her independence and her willingness and attentiveness as a parent. We instantly hit it off and four months later her and our daughter were headed to live with me in our new house in Pennsylvania (we both grew up in Massachusetts). We ok’d this with her “father” which was not difficult considering he shrugged it off as if it was a burden off his shoulders. It was a ‘get out of jail free’ card for him considering my wife hadn’t set up child support or brought him to court (as a favor to him). Instead they set up to visit once or twice a month when my wife was in Massachusetts.

He had no phone and it was two months and multiple holidays before my wife heard from him again. I’ll never forget it because it was the beginning of an ongoing hell that was about to ensue. He emailed saying, “I want to have **** this weekend, I have a family party.” – to which my wife reasonably responded, “No way – it’s two days away and we haven’t heard from you in months.” He responded with something like, “Well, I’ll take you to court.”

My wife and I were crushed because of it – we were afraid and yes, maybe for no reason but we did not want to be tied up in the court system. I personally had watched my mother and father go through that and I knew how ugly it could be. That being said we had unknowingly made a mistake – we were supposed to have gone to court before they moved but we wanted to avoid the horrors of custody court. So, we decided it was time to become proactive – we hired a wonderful attorney and filed for a custody hearing.

A lot went on the next couple months – we found out different things about him and the conditions he was living in. Conditions unfit for a 25-year-old like himself to stay in overnight never mind a child. I don’t want to go into detail because I don’t want to lose the point of these writings, this is not a hit piece. So, let’s just say we were plenty prepared to go to court. But even then we did not want to hurt him and we wanted him to have a relationship with his daughter – just one that was safe for her. After an aggressive but childish outburst in court at our 30-year-old, 5ft tall lawyer, terms were agreed upon – in short, a tiny amount of child support/the minimum and weekend visits twice a month in which we would meet halfway between PA & MA. We didn’t hear from him for 3 months and then my wife received an email asking for a meet up that weekend at the agreed upon place.

I remember that weekend because it scared the hell out of me and damn near ripped my wife’s heart out. The questions ran through our heads – what’s the environment like, will she be fed right, does she even remember him and of course the scariest – who else will be there? But we had no choice so we went to the meet up and after waiting for 3 hours at a rest stop with our 2-year-old we saw her off for the weekend.

Two days later she came back unharmed and that gave us confidence – unfortunately it would be almost a year and a half before my wife or my daughter heard from him again. I mean we kept tabs – he moved to SC without telling anyone and moved back abruptly – he had another child and hadn’t paid child support 40 out of about 70 weeks – because he hadn’t held a job even though he is 25+ years old.

Multiple birthdays, some Easters and at least one Christmas passed and at that point we pretty much wrote off any sort of return until one day we received a “contempt of court” order from the county he lives in. This, which f.y.i was for some reason sent to my mother-in-law’s house, was surprising considering we hadn’t heard anything from him – not even request to see our daughter. So, we hired another attorney and shoveled out another couple thousand dollars in legal expenses to hear the court tell him he was wrong and there were no grounds for contempt. It was just before this that we found out he was living in a group home in the worst neighborhood in the city we grew up in. So, in court we asked that if visits were to resume a venue change be required – that was granted. Apparently, he was lucky enough to have met a good girl to motivate him to start doing the right thing. Someone that was willing to provide a safe environment for our daughter to visit – For this we were and still are grateful.

A couple weeks later he met us to pick up our daughter, whom at this point didn’t recognize him. In retrospect that was the scariest part – sending our daughter with a stranger. Everything went ok and we picked her up a couple of days later. Another month went by with sporadic calls, little communication and inconsistent child support payments. Life went on, work went well, the seasons changed and then more of the same hellish BS continued.

We received some information about his new living conditions – and I am unwilling to share exactly why because it is not my business but the same childish aggressive and psychopathic behavior made it impossible for him to take our daughter to a safe place, which obviously hampers the 3^rd attempt at a viable agreement to give our daughter a safe and consistent environment to grow up in. And so another threat of court and yet more attorney fees will be needed to shovel out. This gives less money for our daughter’s school and more headaches for her loving mother and we are still here – in an uncomfortable place, wondering what our daughter will be forced through this time.

So, what is the point? I am angry and tired, scared and sad. My daughter, our daughter deserves better. She deserves the best – she is adored. She is adorable, sweet, kind, loving, intelligent and she sees something is wrong. She is affected by his cowardice and lack of responsibility. Our daughter’s life and stability is in danger because of the decisions of a 27+ year old who decidedly enjoys being a teenager. His lack of care and love, his lack of consideration is placed on the back of our innocent 4-year-old who didn’t ask for any of it. She is smart and witty and deserves to be treated as such yet he plays her for a fool because of his own selfishness. I am angry because we are forced to even acknowledge the relevance of a so called rapper who boast in his dry and unoriginal songs about “being the worst dad”. I am saddened by the embarrassment my daughter will grow up with knowing her natural father didn’t have enough pride to man up and make the right decisions. I am shocked that creeping on online chats with various girl is more important than his daughters love and I am honestly afraid for the life of my 1^st child because of the forced negative environment she observes against her will.

What is the message?

1. Deadbeats – Wake up. It is only cool to be around your kids because you have the day off from work, not because you are unemployed. It is awesome to provide financially for your family. It is hip to take care of your children emotionally and it is prideful to protect them physically. Wake up. If another man is taking care of your child it is because you are a loser – if I offend you, I am not sorry – this is not a tee-ball game, this is life – yours and your child’s. If another man is taking care of your child because you are “to cool” to or because you can’t, be grateful, someone has to do it. If you don’t like it treat your child’s mother right and do it yourself. Wake up. It is not cool to leave your wife, your girl or your kid – it is not cool to talk to loser wh**es on the internet. It is not cool to drink, smoke or worse. Wake up. Beating woman doesn’t make you a tough guy, kids even less. As a matter of fact, you are a pussy if you – hit your child or child’s mother, leave your family to go to jail, leave your family for drugs, don’t provide financially or emotionally. Pick on someone your own size or better yet – pick on me, I welcome it.

 

1. Mothers – if you are there for your child you are strong – you are the foundation and if you do the right things your child will grow up to be you and not the loser P.O.S surrogate who provided one half of what’s needed to make your child. Stand up. Find someone who will love and cherish you and your child – you deserve it. But be mindful of who you accept, it is your responsibility to ensure your child’s safety. Stand up. To the court system and to the dead beat surrogate who raised a hand to you or your child. Stand up. To the loser who can’t provide a means for himself because he is dumb, worthless and immature. Speak out. If you, me and all the proud mothers and step fathers do it we can get more fathers to step up and take care of their responsibilities as they should. And most importantly – stay sharp and sober, stay strong – even if it all falls on you and that is not fair, it is how it is for a reason, your kids need you and that gratification is worth everything.

 

 

1. Fathers – Do your duties and be what you can be – if I can do it you can. I was certifiably a sh*t bag but I reformed. I got kicked out of high school and was a loser but I reformed. I found a job and it was hard and I almost lost it but I trained and I learned and I succeed every single day because I have a higher purpose. I have an amazing family to provide for and I can do that because I stepped up – so STEP UP! You have no excuses, at all – no valid ones. And if you think you do – wake up and get over yourself. People in many worse situations do – don’t be a weakling, be a dad – be a hero. Dads don’t whine or make excuses and they don’t ever accept failure – they just DO!

 

And mothers or fathers reach out – people are there to help you. People like myself and my wife, we want you to do what you have to do and we want your kid’s lives to be successful. You have the ability to make or break the entire world, to raise the next Nobel winner or the next serial killer – it is your choice. Make the right one.

Click our resources below or just call. I will answer, you have support.

 

duffy@theamericanvaluesparty.com

Paul J Duffy – (717) 516-0187

 

**LOOK OUT FOR THE QUICK GUIDE TO DEALING WITH COURT & CUSTODY FROM A NON-LEGAL PERSPECTIVE**